I Really Shouldn’t Make Plans

I always have these big ideas of what my next post will be.  I try to make a plan or schedule of what I’m going to write about day to day, and it NEVER happens!  So I am going to try not to post my plan for my next post at the end of my most current posts, that way if my plan doesn’t come to fruition, no one will be any the wiser.

I know I promised part two of my makeup haul to be my next post (this post), but as usual, my plan has failed.  I haven’t even received everything yet.  I’m still waiting on two more things.  Hautelook is amazing as far as finding good deals, but they are extremely slow in shipping!  The things I have received, however, are fabulous.  I bought lots of makeup items, and they’re all great.  I purchased a z-palette, finally, from Makeup Geek along with 12 of their eyeshadow shades.  I’m extremely happy with every item.  I also purchased a nude lipstick set from Hautelook (NYX brand) and I love them, and I also got some cream eyeshadow pencils from NYX and some lip pencils.  The most recent items to arrive were some shimmery mineral eye colors from Blend Minerals and an eye color pigment from Makeup Geek called “New Years Eve.”  LOVE IT.  I couldn’t be happier with the purchases I’ve made.  But I’ve been having some skin issues lately–most likely caused by medication from my surgery or a hormonal imbalance (most likely also due to the trauma my body has been through due to surgery).  Never in my life has my skin broken out or have I had acne.  Even as an awkward teenager!  Well, I don’t exactly have acne now, either, but I do have an incredibly broken out face.  Bumps, redness, it’s terrible.  Lots of itching.

As far as the surgery is concerned, I’m starting to lose hope in everything.  I don’t know if I’m ever going to get through all the pain and get to a point where I can live a normal, pain-free life.  I desperately don’t want to undergo another surgery to fuse my lumbar vertebrae, but my doctor insists that is the next step.  She and I both want to do everything in our power to hold that off as long as possible.  It’s just that I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with this pain and lack of mobility.  This being shut in the house because it hurts too much to go out.  I got used to it for a while.  Used the fact that I had to remain a shut-in to my advantage.  I wrote articles for pay and for contests (some of which I won).  I watched movies and had a pretty good time.  Now the depression has set in and I’m at the end of my rope.  I just feel like, if this is all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life…that is not a happy prospect.  I have to do something to change this course my life is taking or I may not make it…and that’s the truth.  I cry every day.  I’m desperate to get out and live my life.  I’m desperate to regain my independence and get out from under my parents roof.  They are only trying to help but they keep me locked up like a prisoner to keep me from hurting myself further.  I feel like I’m withering up and dying.

I’ve lost interest in the things I once loved.  I don’t keep in touch with my friends.  I used to keep my phone with me at all times…now I haven’t even looked at it in days.  I have no interest or desire to talk to anyone…and even when I do check my phone or my facebook, nobody has even bothered to check on me anyway so what’s the point.  There are two…TWO…people who regularly check on me.  Nobody else gives a crap.  I’m useless to them.  People I once loved like family are now nothing more than people I used to know and people who don’t give a shit about the suffering I’m going through.  Then again, it isn’t really their problem, is it?  It would just be nice to know someone cared once in a while.

I have to stop writing this. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’ve lost everything and everyone that ever meant anything to me.  And without those things and those people, what’s the point.  I hope my readers never have to experience the pain of losing your independence when you’re in your 20s…and losing the people you loved and thought were your friends.  It hurts more than I can possibly express to think that these people I thought loved me are too busy to even send me a “how are you feeling?” text.  To realize that you thought you had a lot of friends only to find out you’re NOTHING to just about everyone you know is one of the most painful feelings in the world.  Something I don’t want to feel anymore.  I can’t deal with it anymore.  I’ve never hurt this much in my life.  Physical pain is horrible…but the emotional pain of realizing you’re nobody is probably the most painful feeling in the world.

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