If you read my last post, you know my life is in a bit of an uproar these days. I’m still unsure of what the future holds and I feel like I’m drifting in the middle of the ocean with nothing to grab hold of to save me. I can’t stand this feeling of the unknown. I’ve decided that I am going to enter college again to get a second bachelor’s degree in graphic design with a minor in photography. That, however, is going to take some time to accomplish. I have to wait until the Fall 2013 term to begin, and I also have to try to secure some funds and financial aid. I have decided I would prefer this as my main career over writing. I do intend to continue writing, however, and have registered with an online writing course website, Writers Village University. I intend to hone my writing skills to improve my blogging and article writing. My writing will continue, but as a secondary job. Wish me luck on my endeavors! I’m trying to stay busy as I can’t stand not being able to work. When I do get back to work, I’ll be stuck doing desk work. The thought of a typical desk job disgusts me, so I have to do something to break up the monotony. This is the best plan I’ve been able to work out.
Now, on to part two of this post. Southern Standards. I recently parted ways with the man I was dating. I posted about it on my tumblr blog, but not everyone who reads this blog follows my tumblr blog. I was much kinder about him on that post than I intend to be in this one. Fortunately, I hadn’t developed any feelings for him when we decided to call it quits. The relationship felt like it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was still relatively new and I was willing to keep dating him to see if anything developed. Well we had a date this weekend, which was going well until the end. It began well enough, watching movies and talking. Then the “hints” started. The “is that your bedroom?” and “We could go watch TV in the bed if you want…” All of a sudden, a new side of this man was starting to emerge that I hadn’t anticipated seeing. He had me completely fooled. I thought he was a shy, quiet, very traditional man. Turns out he was just a horny prick…the exact type of guy I always seem to end up with (not that I’ve had much experience in the department). He wanted more than I was willing to offer. We had not been dating anywhere near long enough for me to consider what he had in mind. I know some people are much quicker to jump into bed, but I am traditional. I’m of the opinion that you wait until you’re deeply in love, or even married, before you take it that far. He, obviously, was not. Once he realized I was not going to give in, he stayed a few minutes then left telling me to text him the next day to set up another date. I thought “well, he’s going to respect my wishes, that’s nice.”
I texted him the next day saying “You said to text you today to set up another date, what did you have in mind?” After three hours, he finally responded with “I’m going to decline another dinner date. It was nice getting to know you and fun hanging out at your house last night, but I am just not that interested right now. I wish you all the best.” I responded with “Ok, adios then.” And proceeded to remove him from my phone contacts, facebook friends, etc. I wanted no further evidence of his ever being a part of my life. After that text, I started over-analyzing it as girls tend to do. I started thinking about the feelings I was having and have deduced I was more upset that he had me fooled and someone I thought was a “good guy” was really just a fat, horny jerk who only “put up” with a few dates with me to get me into bed. I wasn’t upset about not dating him anymore, I was upset because it really seems like all the good guys are gone…Are there any traditional men in the world anymore??? Are there? I’m losing hope. I also began thinking of ways I WISH I had responded to his text. Here’s what I wish I had said “I understand. Sorry you didn’t find the whore you were looking for in me. I’m sorry, but I’m a traditional girl who doesn’t believe in having sex after only a few dates. I just wanted you to know I really enjoyed our few dates. I also particularly enjoyed your leaving me with the impression that you liked me and were interested in another date when you left last night. Above all, however, I admire your courage, telling me this bit of information via text. You really are a top-of-the-line guy. I hate to lose you. I wish you all the best in your search for the “right girl.” Best of luck impregnating some poor unwed woman, whom I’m sure you will leave to raise the child on her own should that happen. I’m sorry I just wasn’t ready for that to happen to me. Call me a coward, call me old-fashioned. Take care, and all the best!”
But I didn’t say that. It was fun to type it here though!
That brings me to the “southern standards” I referred to in my title. When I informed my mom of our decision to part ways, she was outraged. She kept saying “He has problems. He has problems and he obviously can’t deal with them.” And “His loss! He’s crazy!” No mom, he just didn’t want a traditional girl. She kept calling me to “check on me” and giving me different excuses. But I know she was calling to check on me because she expected me to be as devastated as she was. I wasn’t. I don’t even miss him. The only thing I was upset about was how well he fooled me and how few good men there are left in the world, and by that I mean, good men who are single. I’ve accepted that it may be my lot in life that I may never marry. Some people don’t! I also know that I might be one of those people who get married in my thirties, which I can also accept. Living in the south, however, I’m viewed as an old maid well past my expiration date at the age of 29! In the south, women are expected to marry by their mid twenties and become baby-makers. At my age, I should have already been married for several years and be the mother of at least one child. I’m not, though. My mom is so eager for me to get married so I can start having grandchildren for her. I think her disappointment in our split was not about my feelings, but more about her own. How it’ll make her feel when someone asks her how he and I are doing and she has to answer we broke up. How all her friends’ children are getting married and having babies and here I am sitting here still single. I do not fit the mold of a southern woman, and in that respect, I’m a disappointment to my mom. I love the south and am proud to live here, but I do hate this ridiculous expectation they place on women.
Now that I’ve parted ways with this man, have to find a new job, and am looking into starting a new career, I think I may seriously start considering a big change. Moving somewhere different, etc. While I feel totally lost right now, I also have the rare opportunity to daydream and begin thinking of ways to make a total change to my life. I hope I make the right decision.